I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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