My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Do vagina's smell?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
