I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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