oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
