I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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