You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
