i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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