I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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