i used baking grease as lip gloss
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
