I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
