Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
