I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
