I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
