I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
