Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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