i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I have aggressive nipples.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
