Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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