Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
