Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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