just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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