only you would photoshop your dick
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
