I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
