I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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