He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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