im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
