I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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