I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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