There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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