it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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