thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
