i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
