i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
