I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
