I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
