Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
