Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
