I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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