im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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