I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
