Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
