you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You don't make any sense
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