Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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