Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
