The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
