Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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