WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
