are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
