What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
