Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Randomize
