Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
