I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
