Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
