you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
